My Dopey Dope Misnomers, and Dubya’s

Only a day after my last post, I realized I’d made a wretched error of the squarest sort. Dig: 4-methyl aminorex is known colloquially as “ice,” not “glass”! “Glass” is apparently a term for methamphetamine when smoked (though, as I’ve never personally heard this term used by any genuine dopehead, it could be strictly a construction of the media). Whereas the term “ice” can allegedly also refer to methamphetamine, the term “glass” is never used for the exotic, elusive 4-methyl aminorex.

I would have immediately altered my last post to reflect this realization, but the Psychedelic Warlords (the drug subculture equivalents of the “Secret Chiefs” of esoteric Freemasonry) threatened in no uncertain terms to “disappear [me] in smoke . . . and man, that ain’t no god-damned joke, you square punk poseur narc,” and so on, were I to attempt to cover up this shameful lapse. Therefore I must cop to this pre-scripted confession, attaching my name to the bottom in traditional forced contrition.

In my defense, I can only sputter that, hey, at least I’m more on the ball (if not the dope) than the White House’s Office of National Drug Control Policy. Not only do their lists of “street terms” retain such fusty old smokable chestnuts as “Mary Jane,” “viper,” and “Bolivian marching powder,” they contain a whopping bongload of disinformation. Here you will learn that Benzedrine, Methedrine, and Dexedrine are all slang names for Ecstasy, as are Khat (in reality a cathinone-containing leaf from Somalia) and—beyond bizarrely—“monoamine oxidase.” Also, “Charlie,” a time-honored fustism for cocaine, is thickheadedly identified as heroin, and—most pointedly—“ice” is identified as either “cocaine, crack cocaine, smokable methamphetamine, methamphetamine, methylenedioxymethamphetamine (MDMA), phencyclidine (PCP)”—but not 4-methyl aminorex!

Plenty of other fun to be had here. Next time you go to Third and Pine to score some cocaine, try asking for Cecil, Carrie Nation, foolish powder, Henry VIII, oyster stew, or the “All-American Drug.” Marijuana more to your taste? Get hip, White House style, and start calling it goblet of jam, Kate Bush (!), haircut, square mackerel, or the white-haired lady. Need a new kick? Try one of the following improbable crazes: “Tina” (“methamphetamine used with Viagra”), “balling” (“vaginally implanted cocaine”—whatever that means), or “five way” (“combines snorting of heroin, cocaine, methamphetamine, ground up flunitrazepam pills, and drinking alcohol”). Just remember to know your limit, take it easy on the “great bear” and “loads of laundry” (fentanyl and methamphetamine, respectively), and be sure not to get “up against the stem” (addicted to smoking marijuana).

Anyway, witness my hand and seal and what have you,

Sleeve Consequences,
Enemy of the Wasted Proletariat