Garry, Just Admit It

“Life is just like a game of chess.” How many times have you heard some variation of this stale old trope? Garry Kasparov would certainly have you believe this; his whole claim to authority stems from this attractive fallacy. Now friends, I’ve had both chess and life in godawful abundance, and so know damnwell that chess ain’t nothin’ like life at all. Hence,

Ways Chess Ain’t Nothin’ Like Life At All

(1) In chess, when a pawn reaches the opponent’s eighth rank, it is “promoted,” usually to Queen. In life, you slave for twenty years as an under-assistant secretary to the VP of Marketing, only to get passed up for promotion to some rich punk 23 year old MBA who calls you “guy.”

(2) In chess, a pawn's first move enables it to advance two spaces. In life, your first move will result in a drink being thrown in your face and being called a “creep” or an “asshole.”

(3) In chess, the Queen has the greatest power and mobility, with the potential to occupy any square on the board. In life, the Queen must move to West Hollywood, the West Village, the Castro, or Capitol Hill, Seattle. . . or, less successfully, to rural heartland America (reference: Hedwig & the Angry Inch).

(4) In chess, if a player devotes his life to the game and wins enough matches, he will be lauded as an International Master. In life, if a player does the same, he becomes an international fugitive and then a citizen of Iceland.

(5) In chess, resignation is signaled by tipping over one’s king. In life, resignation involves drinking oneself into a nightly stupor while chain smoking in tattered boxer shorts and wondering when the razor’ll be allowed to slip just enough.

(6) In chess, the doubling cube is placed on the “bar,” with the number 64 on top. Oh, wait, that’s backgammon, a game that really is exactly like life. Excuse me.